There's Limited Space on Your Hard Drive
Brian and Lucy are a happy couple, though they are finding themselves more short-tempered with each other lately. They want to chalk it up to the extended time in quarantine, though they have to admit that they were having issues communicating as well as they once did long before the time in quarantine started.
One thing they needed to realize is something that a lot of us need to remember, and this is:
There is limited space on the hard drive.
Consider all that you’ve been doing while you’ve been at home under a Stay Home, Stay safe order. You’ve likely had to start working remotely, under circumstances you are certainly not used to, while you’re trying to establish new routines to be productive. Maybe you’ve also been trying to teach your kids in an unfamiliar and unplanned homeschooling situation. You haven’t been able to see or get help from your family and friends because of the governor’s executive order for social distancing, and because of that you might be feeling more “on” than you have before. Likely you’re feeling tired and overwhelmed, and the last thing you can manage is to have a healthy, intimate relationship with your partner where you talk to each other in kindness.
The other reality here is that your brain is so jammed full with all the things you are needing to remember and work to get done, it literally cannot hold even in your short-term memory the things that your partner has asked of you. This is what we mean when we say that you have limited space on your hard drive.
Two Things to Do to Free Up Space
You can change how you talk to each other to free up space on your hard drive and make it easier to remember what your partner has asked of you. Because while we want to believe that giving our partners several requests will work, and that remembering a few things to do is no big deal, the fact is that it really is.
So, we have two suggestions to make things easier for both of you, and it’s a matter of changing how you make requests:
First, never ask two-part questions.
Instead of setting yourself up to be let down and your partner feeling badly, consider rethinking asking questions with multiple parts. When you ask your partner something you want them to remember, it’s important to keep it simple, plain, and easy to understand.
“Can you take out the trash after dinner?” is a simple request.
“Can you take out the trash after dinner? And would you load the dishwasher when you’re finished with that? And do you think you could wash the big pot we used?” is a three-part question that is sure not to be given space on your partner’s hard drive.
Second, focus and what you want them TO DO as opposed to what not to do.
For example, say “Be Early” instead of “Don’t be Late.”
If you fill their head with “not’s,” it’s likely you’ll get the behavior opposite of what you want. When you say “don’t be late,” their brain unconsciously drops the “don’t” from the sentence and only hears “be late.” In some way, this is not your fault - it’s just what the human brain does with the word “don’t.” If you want to set your partner up for success and you want to ensure you get done what you want, then you have to rephrase your request without the word “don’t.”
Brian and Lucy started using the strategies in their marriage. They noticed quickly that they were less frustrated with each other, and that they appreciated that the other was following through on what was asked. Because they each felt heard and valued, and like what they needed was important, they were able to appreciate each other for the partner that they had.
And that’s all they really wanted – to feel like they had a real partner.
After all, isn’t that what we all want?