Rule: The Best Defense against Verbal or Physical Abuse is a Formal Time-Out!
One thing is for sure: Every couple, everywhere, at any given time, can count on experiencing conflict. And if conflict is part of your relationship dynamic, then you can be doubly sure that, from time to time, feelings are going to escalate into a potentially full-blown emotional collision! The question should not be, ‘When will it happen?’ but rather, ‘What can we/I do to avoid a full scale melt-down when major conflict does happen?’ Successful couples know that there will be occasions when feelings will flare and tempers will soar. What makes these couples so successful in spite of these roadblocks? They have a plan for when emotions begin to boil over!
The key?
A simple TIME-OUT!!
This technique works very well with young children, and it works equally well with "unruly" adults.
When things escalate and come unglued, it is often not possible for the conflicter to think clearly. As emotions take off, physical changes are experienced as well, and it’s almost impossible to separate emotionally from the situation. (A list of physical changes is presented toward the end of this section.)
And while time-outs are indeed a simple concept, there are rules/guidelines, which must be adhered to in order for you to obtain success in this area.
Prepare in advance for your time-out.
During a peaceful time, explain to your partner that there will be times when your anger and fear climb, and that during those times, it really is best for you to physically leave the situation in order to calm down (a time-out). Agree at this time on what signal you might use, such as saying the words "time-out" or by using any agreed-upon signal, and that when one of you gives the signal the interaction comes to an immediate stop. The spoken or gestured signal is understood by both partners to mean:
"For whatever reason, I am about to lose it. If I stay here, I am liable to do or say something I know I'm going to regret later; and therefore, I am taking a break to calm clown. I will check back in with you when I’ve calmed."
Notice that the time-out is always from your perspective, never his or hers. Although it can be a very bad idea to tell your partner that she needs a time-out, sometimes you can simply see it coming. At that time, you may want to excuse yourself for her sake (and yours!), or agree ahead of time another type of signal, such as saying, “Honey, would you like some alone time right now?” When planned for in advance, this can be an extremely helpful tool. What we DON’T recommend is telling your partner she needs a time out. That could be as dangerous as stepping into a lion’s den! Phrasing your time-out as your issue, or heading one off at the pass as we just explained, has the powerful advantage that no one can argue with.
Once this contract has been agreed to in advance, either partner has the right to leave the interaction whenever he or she chooses, and should not be stopped.
How much time should you take?
The default interval for a time-out is 20 minutes. You can change the length if you like, but if no time is specified, after 20 minutes you need to check in. Checking in can take place either in person or by telephone/text. If necessary, tell him you need more time. With each extension, the time-out interval gets longer.
The recommended length between check-ins is:
-Twenty minutes
-One or two hours
-Half a day
-A whole day
-Overnight
Rule: When reconnecting after a time-out, take a 24-hour pause on talking about the subject that triggered the initial fight, unless it’s a life-or-death emergency.
After the time-out is over, (whether it's 20 minutes or an entire day) when you move back into contact, a good rule is to delay discussing the topic that started you off. Otherwise you run the risk of getting wound up again. You can talk about it again after 24 hours.
If you find that either or both of you wind up calling for a time-out every time a particular subject is discussed, this should indicate that for now you and your partner are unable to navigate that topic. Either let go of the issue altogether or get some help.
While it may seem obvious, let me say that the frequent need to call a time-out whenever any serious topic is broached also indicates the need to seek some professional help.
Commit to a life without violence
Angry words gone out of control can cause real damage to your partner and to your relationship. Choosing to use adult time-outs represent a contract in which you each agree in advance to end physical, psychological, or verbal violence in your family. This commitment is unflinching and agreed upon that it is someone's right to leave a potentially abusive confrontation.
As adults and committed partners, it is key to appreciate that no problem will ever get solved until both put retaliation aside. Immediate safety takes precedence over ending retaliation as a technique in your relationship. Whatever the topic at hand, if either or both of you become abusive: JUST STOP!
There is no situation that benefits from verbal violence.
Remember that your partner is not your enemy. In the heat of the moment words are like molten lava spewing from a volcano. Like molten lava, words cannot be taken back and angry words, like hot lava, can destroy everything in its path.
Take a moment to prepare for heated conflict by finding a calm moment to set the ground rules for successful adult time outs. A few minutes now can mean a whole lot less pain in the heat of the moment. Planning now for adult time-outs means feeling better faster and easier when an emotional blow out threatens.
If there are kids around, it is critical that you do not expose them to verbal or physical violence! If you need to separate yourself from them- leave them or if you need to and are able, or if not, tell them they need to play in a safe area of the house or yard while you collect yourself. Children add another dimension to the mix, but they cannot be dismissed and you should never pretend their feelings and presence don’t matter. Take your time out, but do so with your wits about you and never put the children in jeopardy.
There is no excuse for abuse.
The extraordinary news is that, by using time-outs, you can stop abusive behaviors now, today, and from this day forward.
In order to take successful “time-outs”, you need to recognize your anger or fear cues, such as:
- Heart thumping or dry mouth.
-Trembling, shaking or freezing.
-Tension in your neck, chest, stomach, or other parts of your body.
-Tight jaw or fists.
-Feeling like your head is going to explode - seeing red.
-Feeling sure that you are right - feeling self-righteous.
-Feeling hurt or scared.
Taking a “time-out”:
There is tremendous value in taking a few minutes while you are calm and in your rational mind to compile a list of up to 20 positive things you can do to calm down for when you're distressed. If you are a person who is prone to feeling emotionally triggered, consider keeping this list on you, so it's with you at all times. This can include such things as running or walking, taking a shower or soaking in the tub, going for a swim, cleaning the house or working in the garage. If you have trouble thinking of something right now, remember back to when you last had the feelings of fight or flight, and think of what helped you relax. Now is NOT the time to take pills or drink alcohol or overeat. Positive steps to calming down mean doing things you will not regret later or that will not cause your spouse concern.
-Remember that your partner is not your enemy!
- Remind yourself that your goal is to calm down when you take a time-out.
- Take a copy of these instructions with you and read them. Maybe keep them in your wallet or phone at all times.
--Keep a copy of your calming list with you and do at least one thing listed.
-Take responsibility for keeping yourself (and children) safe and don't focus on your partner.
