Updated! – Focus On The Problem Not The Person!
Let’s face it, we’re all going to have moments where anger rears its ugly head in our relationship. Either we’re going to get angry at our partner, or our partner is going to get angry at us. It may be over something as simple, like how the dishwasher gets loaded. Sometimes, though, angry moments are going to be a lot more complicated, tangled with recurring hurts and painful outbursts.
In angry moments, it can be all too tempting to attack and blame your spouse. Obviously, this is counter-productive.
When you or your partner (or both!) are angry and frustrated, it’s easy to shift the conversation away from figuring out a solution together to attacking and blaming the other person.
Blaming is easy, and we’re all probably guilty of doing it at some point. When you are blaming your partner for what went wrong, you no longer have to worry about what to do about it. This is great way to avoid fixing the problem, but it does not get you any closer to a solution or peace in your relationship.
By its very nature, blame does not produce solutions; it simply keeps you stuck in a negative loop that gives the illusion of solution. Breaking out of this loop takes conscious effort.
When you find yourself blaming your partner, take a step back, inhale deeply, and focus on creating solutions.
Don't ask who's right. Ask what's right.
Attacking the problem – and not your partner – creates a healthy environment conducive to sharing at a deep, effective level. By focusing on the problem, you can actually work towards a solution.
If you focus on the problem, not the person, then you’ll find that working through your relational challenges is much easier for both of you.