Do Things Differently
Trying harder to make things better in a relationship isn't always going to make things better.
When couples feel like they are doing everything in their power to make improvements in their relationships and things stay the same—or get worse—it’s so easy to feel disappointed, hopeless, and even angry.
Here is a quick tip to help you get back on track —
Instead of just trying harder at doing what you have always done to try and make your relationship work, realize that if your going see things change, then both you and your partner are going to have to work differently.
Jan and Bob had been together several years when Jan noticed that no matter how hard they tried, it seemed like they were always half an hour late to wherever they were going. So after working with the couple, we suggested that Jan tell Bob that they had to be places between half an hour to an hour earlier than was actually required to be on time.
Jan also learned to switch up the time differentials for Bob so that when asked the question, “What time do we really have to be there?” Jan could keep a great poker face. It’s true that Bob never quite knew what time they actually needed to be places. What he did know is that he was way less stressed about going places, and his wife was too.
Jan and Bob offer the perfect example of how instead of just turning up the nagging and yelling or pushing harder than you have to, you can choose a totally different approach, which gave them both peace of mind.
The truth is, It’s easy for both partners to accept poor outcomes as a way of life, and then reinforce that helpless feeling with blame and excuses, all the while never getting around to solving the real issue.
It’s extremely important that neither partner uses blame as an excuse to not move forward. Instead, stop in that moment and resist blaming and focus on working together to create positive change within the relationship by thinking creatively and differently. Trying something differently can lead to success and stability.
Remind yourself and your partner that trying something differently is not an all or nothing scenario! Getting 50% or 70% more right than wrong is still great progress. The key here is keep tweaking your new and different solutions until you work out all of the kinks. Keep the whole process moving by appreciating and congratulating each other every time something goes even just a little better.
The key here is to remember —
Success increases when both partners make an effort to try doing things differently and switching things up, instead of attempting to just work harder at things that haven’t worked in the past.