Instead Of Trying Harder, Try Doing Things Differently
Trying harder in a relationship that is affected by concentration issues) isn’t always going to make things better. When couples feel like they are doing everything in their power to make improvements in their relationships and things stay the same—or get worse—it’s so easy to feel disappointed, hopeless, and even angry. Here is a quick tip to help you get back on the solution track.
Instead of just trying harder at doing what you have always done to try and make your relationship work, realize that if your going see things change, then both you and your partner are going to have to work differently. This means being aware of your particular type or symptoms, and understanding exactly how those symptoms impact each person in the relationship differently. Then using strategies that take those particular symptoms into consideration, both partners can work together in facing every day challenges.
Jan and Bob had been together several years when Jan noticed that no matter how hard they tried, it seemed like they were always half an hour late to wherever they were going. So after working with the couple, we suggested that Jan tell Bob that they had to be places between half an hour to an hour earlier than was actually required to be on time.
Jan also learned to switch up the time differentials for Bob so that when asked the question “what time do we really have to be there” Jan could keep a great poker face. It’s true that Bob never quite knew what time they “really” needed to be places, all he knew is that he was way less stressed about going places and Jan was too.
This is a perfect example of how instead of just turning up the nagging and yelling or pushing harder than you have to, this couple chose a totally different, more friendly approach, which gave them both peace of mind when going places together as a couple.
It’s easy for both partners to accept poor outcomes as a way of life, and then reinforce that helpless feeling with blame and excuses, all the while, never getting around to solving the real issue.
It’s easy for the partner to fall into a pattern of blaming their partner for all of the roadblocks and issues within the relationship. Often, the person with the concentration issues buys right in blaming him or herself, as they drown in a sea of helplessness. Neither of these options improves the relationship.
It’s extremely important that neither partner uses blame as an excuse to not move forward. Instead, stop in that moment and resist blaming and focus on working together to create positive change within the relationship by thinking creatively and differently.
Resist the easy route of just pushing harder against something that has not worked in the past. You don’t have to be like that fly who keeps hitting a closed window over and over again.
A note of caution is wise here: Beware of the “hostile take over”! It is an all too common error for the partner in the relationship to try and “take over” and attempt to teach the other partner how to properly do things in the relationship.
This can leave the partner with the concentration issues feeling unloved or defeated or worse yet they feel like they are an incapable child. As with any relationship, open communication about how to best contribute to the relationship is vital here, and couples living with this in their relationship keeping in mind each other’s capabilities and strengths is the secret to making life work together.
On the other side of things, the partner with the concentration issues may find themselves retreating to a place of blame because of past shortcomings and inconsistencies; which can lead to feeling defeated and afraid to try something new or different for fear of failure. Relationships respond to actions not intentions. Reminding both partners that trying something differently no matter how often can lead to success, stability, and a positive relationship is a very important mental step that needs to be taken.
Remind yourself and your partner that trying something differently is not an all or nothing scenario! Getting 50% or 70% more right than wring is still great progress. The key here is keep tweaking your new and different solutions until you work out all of the kinks. Keep the whole process moving by appreciating and congratulating each other every time something goes even just a little better. ‘
Always remember that, no matter how bad things have been, there is hope and a brighter future. Success increases when both partners make an effort to try doing things differently and switching things up, instead of attempting to just work harder at things that haven’t worked in the past.